


Anything Hurts Less

by Paynlinson



Series: Talk Me Down [1]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Break Up, M/M, One-Sided Relationship, Sad, Unrequited Love, itll get better, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-21
Updated: 2016-01-21
Packaged: 2018-05-15 09:25:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,548
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5780443
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Paynlinson/pseuds/Paynlinson
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>I'd rather be black and blue than accept that you withdrew</i>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Dan wants the silence to end. He just wants Phil to look at him the way he used to</p>
            </blockquote>





	Anything Hurts Less

**Author's Note:**

> I'm bad at summeries but I hope you like it anyway :)

Silence. The sickening silence. The deafening silence that filled every corner of the room. Silence is the loudest noise to exist. Nothing hurts worse than absolute silence. Silence was the most calming yet scariest thing. Silence can hold so much weight and hold so much meaning and yet, silence can be the cruelest form of torture.

Dan would rather feel anything. Hear anything than silence. He'd rather be beaten, battered, black and blue than face the constant silence. He'd rather be screamed at, cursed at, broken and bloody than deal with silence. Yet that's all that seemed to fill his life. Silence.

Silence had been his fear from youth. Like the creeping feeling if something terrible happening, like those people in the horror movies that face complete silence before the monster appears. Or his mother and father who's joyous presence faded into complete silence months before they announced their split. Or the silence that filled the room when he told his father he was gay. The silence that filled the room when his father told him he was no longer his son. 

Dan hated silence. That's why his music was loud and his voice rose an octave above everyone else's. Nothing hurt worse than the silence and what it held. Silence never meant anything good for Dan. Silence left him alone with his thoughts, whispering softly the things he was afraid to face. Silence was never a good thing, at least not to Dan.

When he met Phil, he was convinced he found his partner in crime. His partner in life. Phil was just as loud as he was. Just as boisterous and obnoxious and endearing. He completed Dan in ways that he never though he needed. In ways he never thought he could imagine. Dan felt love. Dan felt like he didn’t have to face the anxiety and doubt in his mind alone.  
Phil would hold him at night, when the whispers turned to screams and his body shook with fear. When the nightmares tore him from sleep with the twisted face of his father and the ugly words he shouted. Phil would hold him, soft kisses and warm touches dancing across his back. Sweet words whispered in his ear, drowning out the buzz of his mind. He felt safe with Phil. He felt loved.

Then the silence came. Sweet kisses turned into light brushes that held nothing. Shy smiles turned into forced and fake grins. Loving stares turned to fleeting glances and guilty looks. "I love you" no longer existed. At least for Phil. Dan would always try. He would go for a kiss only to be met by a stubbly cheek. 

It had been a week since Phil spoke to Dan. Properly spoke to him. More than just one word replies and quiet mumbles. More than just icy stares and furrowed brows. It’d been a week since Phil held him. It’d been a week since the nightmares returned.

The silence filled the room and screamed in Dan's head. He spent nights lying awake in the bed he once shared with Phil, before Phil decided one night to return to his old room that hadn't been occupied in months. The silence screamed at him, taunted him. It made his vision blurry with tears and unspoken words and his head pound with fear of what was to come. The silence was never a good thing.

Dan tapped away on his keyboard, trying half-heartedly to finish the paper he was meant to be working on that was due in a few days. His mind just couldn't focus on the history of law, instead focusing on the sounds around him. The birds outside the window chirping happily and the cars whizzing by, taking the occupant to their destination. The sound of the Keurig dripping slowly into Phil's mug. The mug Dan had gotten him for Christmas last year. 

Dan glanced at Phil over the kitchen island. His charcoal hair stuck out in different directions, yet had a calm chaos to it. His shirt fit his slender form in a way that still made Dan's breath stick in his throat and his face heat up. The tight black jeans hugging his hips and accentuating his long legs as his foot tapped against the floor, a nervous habit he had. Phil was beautiful. Phil was stunningly beautiful and Dan never realized just how lucky he was. 

Dan chewed on his lip as he stared at Phil. This would normally be where Dan would be in the kitchen with him, arms wrapped around his waist as he placed soft kisses on the older boys shoulder. Now it was almost like walking on egg shells around each other. Always afraid of saying the wrong thing, of touching the other like they would break with the slightest brush of fingertips.

Dan hated it. He missed feeling Phil's hands in his hair, his lips on his neck, his breath on his face. He missed Phil. It was like Phil was miles away while being in the same room which only made Dan miss him more.

"Phil" Dan called out before he could think better of it. He had to say something, had to break the silence.

Phil tense visibly, turning to look at Dan, his eyes showing a cold indifference that just mere months ago showed undying and unconditional love. Dan flinched, his resolve crumbling under the icy stare. It made him shiver visibly. 

"I- I love you" Dan said, his voice wavering, heart hammering against his chest.

Phil sighed, his eyes glancing to the floor before looking back up towards Dan, a fake smile plastered on his face. "I know Dan"

Phil turned back to his mug on the counter, avoiding Dan further. Dan felt his heart snap. Phil hadn't said it back in 3 days. Dan closed his laptop lid slowly, pushing it aside and standing up. He bit back the tears that threatened to spill as he walked calmly to his room, shutting the door behind him. 

His head is spinning. He throat feels like its closing up and the room feels like its floating. The silence becomes to loud. The silence hurts too much. He felt sick, his stomach churning and his throat burning. He slumped on his bed, head buried in his hands as sobs racked through his body. 

Days passed by slowly, the only sound filling the small flat were from the outside world. The sound of cars buzzing by and birds fluttering past the window, chirping happily as they went on their way. Dan hadn't slept much the past few days, anxiety bubbling under his skin like lava ready to explode at the slightest shift. He hated this. Hated the fear of the unknown. 

He wanted to scream, wanted to break the unending silence and fill it with some form of noise. He hasn't felt this alone since he was 16. The loneliness was worse than the silence. The loneliness made him feel like he was back in his old school, the kids constant snickers as he walked by. He remembers his mum telling him to ignore them, not to give them power and a place in his mind, but it was hard when all he wanted was to fit in. He didn’t mind being alone, he just hated being lonely.

His body felt heavy as he lifted himself off the bed, sleep fogging his mind as he stretched to relieve the ache of his bones. The flat felt cold, a shiver running through him as his feet padded against the tiled floor of the hallway and into the kitchen. His stomach grumbled loudly, the fact that he hasn’t eaten properly in nearly a week catching up to him. He stopped in his tracks, his eyes going to the table.

Dan noticed Phil sat and the table, head in his hands and shoulders tensed. Phil was never an unhappy person, opting always to see the bright side of a bad situation and making the most out of it, but the frown on his face and the dried tracks of tears on his pallid cheek caused a sharp pang in Dan’s heart.

Dan walked over slowly, his heart pounding in his chest as he reached the older boy. His hands trembled as he placed one gently on his boyfriend’s shoulder. He took a deep breath, his fingers brushing lightly over Phil's shoulder.

“Phil” Dan mumbled, his voice quiet and broken. “Phil, please talk to me”

Phil tensed even more, almost like he would shatter, and shrugged Dan’s hand away. He stood up quickly, walking towards his room. Dan stood in shock. He wanted to scream. He wanted to yell and throw things. He wanted to feel something again. 

Dan sank into the blue chair at the dining table, the though of food long abandoned in his mind. He needed to fix this. He needed to make things right with Phil, fix whatever he did to make Phil angry with him. He had to break the silence.

Dan waited patiently for Phil to return from the shop, his fingers dancing nervously against his leg. The turn of the key made Dan perk up, his face turning toward the door as Phil walked in and set the bags on the table. 

Dan stood up, walking over to Phil and placed his arms around his neck, bringing their lips together in a soft kiss. Phil's hands hung clenched by his sides, his body tense and his lips unmoving against Dan’s.  
Phil’s lips were soft and warm, the taste of sweet sugar lingering on Dan's tongue as he swiped his tongue over the older mans bottom lip. Phil didn’t make a move to reciprocate.  
“Missed you” Dan mumbled against Phil's lip, his fingers tangling in the hair at the base of Phil's neck. “missed you so much”  
Phil placed his hands on Dan's shoulders, pulling him away. His eyes bore deep into Dan’s own, sending a shiver down the younger boy's spine.

“Dan, please” Phil said, his eyes fluttering shut and his voice barely above a whisper.

Dan's heart dropped, the look of aching on Phil’s face making his heart ache

“I’ll fix it” Dan said, dropping to his knees. He didn’t are how uncomfortable the tile was against his skin “whatever I did I’ll fix it, I promise”

Dan's fingers trembled as he palmed Phil through his jeans, a sharp breath escaping the older boys lips. Dan leaned forward, his mouth brushing over the already forming erection as his hands undid Phi's zip.

“I’ll make it better Phil, I promise” Dan whispered, his lips circling around Phil's clothed hardness. 

“Dan stop” Phil whispered, his voice strained and his body tense.

Dan ignored Phil, his hands shaking as they palmed Phil steadily, his head resting against Phil's hip. “I love you. I’ll make it better”

Dan tugged Phil's boxers halfway down, taking the head of his cock in his mouth, kitten licking over the head. He sucked lightly, looking into Phil's eyes, his hand stoking the older boys dick slowly.

"Love you so much. I promise I'll make it right"

“Dan, Stop!” Phil snapped, yanking Dan up by his arm.  
Dan stared at Phil, his brown eyes wide and his face flushed. Phil had never yelled at Dan. Phil had never turned Dan away. Dan trembled in Phil's grip, his mouth opening and closing, the words getting lost in his throat.

Phil stared back at Dan a look of disgust and something like sadness behind his eyes. Phil released his grip on Dan, fixing himself before moving past him to head to his room. Dan stood in the middle of the floor, his body still trembling. 

He went behind Phil, pushing the door open and looking at Phil who sat on his bed, his green and blue duvet covers sitting neatly beneath him. Phil stared up at him, his eyes a dull blue, replacing the shining glass color they normally are.

“Tell me what I did” Dan said, his voice coming out softer than intended. He meant to sound demanding, but instead felt like he did at 17 and was shoved in a locker by the school bully.

“Dan-“ Phil started, but Dan quickly cut him off.

“No. Don’t tell to stop. Tell me what I did. Yell at me. Scream at me. Call me names, hit me, punch me, just please.” Dan said, tears spilling down his cheek, his voice quivering and his hands trembling. His voice falls to a whisper as it breaks “Please just end the silence."

Phil stared at Dan, his eyes softening. Dan stood, his breathing shallow and his mind buzzing. He had held everything in for almost a month. He couldn’t do it anymore.

“Just tell me what I did. Just.. Say something. Say anything. Tell me and I’ll fix it, please. I promise I’ll fix it” Dan pleaded, his voice barely above a whisper. His vision blurred at the edges as tears trickled down slowly.

Phil looked at the carpeted floor, taking a deep breath before speaking. “You can't fix this, Dan”

Dan looked at Phil “I can try. Just tell me what it is and I’ll try. Whatever you want, I'll do it. I’ll stop going out as much, I’ll stop being so clingy and needy I’ll stop talking so much”

“Dan-“ Phil started, but Dan kept rambling  
“I can be better Phil, I promise. I won’t bother you as much and I’ll clean up more and I’ll” 

Now it was Phil’s turn to cut Dan off  
“No Dan, you can’t fix this because I don’t love you”  
Dan stopped, the breath feeling like it was knocked out of him. His eyed were wide and he felt like his knees would collapse under him

“You- you don’t mean that.” Dan said, his voice shaking and his breath catching.

“I do mean it.” Phil said looking back to the ground, too guilty the younger boy in the eye. “I don’t think I ever really did”

“B-but i- I don’t” Dan whispered, his resolve crumbling by the second. He could break. Not here. Not like this.

“Dan, you’re so young. You’re so young and you have so much life to live and I don’t think we should waste anymore of each others time.” Phil said, his eyes never looking back at the younger boy. 

“Phil-Phil please. Please don’t” Dan staggered out, his voice breaking and his stomach clenching. He felt like he was going to be sick. His head hurt and his mouth was dry and his heart felt as though it had been ripped out and stomped before his eyes. "Phil. I-I love you. Please, I love you"

“Dan.. Its over. Its been over for a while I just. I didn’t want to hurt you” Phil said, his voice trembling. “Though I already did”

Dan stood still for a while, his whole life felt as though it was collapsing around him. Everything he and Phil had built was a lie. All the stolen kisses and soft touches. All the long nights and flirting laughs and the loving glances. All the hand holding. The I love you’s. All lies. All fake.

Dan turned around, walking quickly out of Phil's room. He entered his room, slamming the door behind him. His breathing became shallow and his heart raced inside his chest. He felt light headed and his mouth felt dry. He needed to leave. He had to leave. 

He raced over to his closet, grabbing the duffle bag he had brought when he moved in, filling it with clothes and all the belongings he had that would fit. Tears stung his eyes as he moved quickly, filling the bag with as much as he thought he could carry.

Looking around the room, his eyes fell on a picture. The picture of him and Phil at the Manchester Eye. His lips were on Phil’s cheek and Phil had his crooked smile on his lips and his eyes flashed brightly. Dan let out a sob as he looked at the picture, tossing down on the bed and gathering the rest of his stuff. 

Soon Dan dragged his bags to the door, grabbing his keys. He slid the key to the apartment off the ring, placing it down with the note he left Phil in the end table. Dan looked over the note a final time, small droplets of his tears drizzled across the page.

_Dear Phil,  
I’d always wondered what it was like to feel wanted. To not be judged and to be accepted for who I really was, regardless of what people said. I always wondered what it felt like to be loved and to love someone back. _

_So thank you for showing me love, even if it was all fake. Thank you for making me whole, even if you didn’t mean it. I’ve taken what was important to me and left everything that you’ve given me behind. Feel free to sell it or burn it or do whatever you feel fit with it. I’m sorry I wasn’t enough for you to love me. I’m sorry I didn’t make you happy._

_Love  
Dan_

Dan sat the note down, a shakey sigh escaping his lips and grabbed the bags, walking out the door and closing it behind him for the last time. He had left his home. The only home he had really known for the last year. The home he had with Phil. He walked to the train station about a mile or so up the road, and sat on a bench when he felt his legs tremble from the weight he was carrying and the exhausting take over. 

The emotions of everything hit him and he began to sob. The sobs wracked his body as he shook. The feeling of loneliness washed over him as the events of the past month flashed in his head. The loneliness, the anxiety, the sadness. The look in Phil's eyes. He tugged his hair and wept. He couldn’t hold it in any longer. He didn’t want to hold it in any longer. 

He ignored the buzz in his pocket, knowing who it was and he continued to sob, earning concerned looks from the patrons passing by. After what felt like hours, he finally calmed down enough to muster the energy to stand. He soon went to the terminal, looking over the time slots of the trains before looking down at the clerk, a sympathetic smile on her face.

“What can I do for you love?” she asked, concern in her voice. It was almost soothing to listen. She reminded him of his mother. She had a sweet smile and loving eyes that had a warmth behind that that made Dan momentarily forget the fuckery that was his life at the moment. 

After paying for his ticket, he entered the train and settled in. He looked out the window as the train engine roared to life and began to move. The images of London flew by him as a means to say goodbye to his old life. Goodbye to what he knew. Goodbye to Phil. 

Dan let out a shaky breath as Phil flashed through his mind. A year he had spend with Phil. A year that was potentially the best of his life. A year he thought he found the one person he could spend his life with. A year of lies.

Dan quickly shook the images out of his head, digging in his pocket and retrieving his phone. He scrolled quickly as he reached the number he was looking for, pressing the talk button.

One ring  
Two.  
Three.

“Daniel!” His mum's chipper voice sounded through the phone. “To what do I owe the pleasure of hearing from you, love.”

“Hi mum.. Um I just. I miss you” He said, not entirely lying. The sadness in his voice was evident and his mum caught on. He could never hide anything from her.

“Honey, what's happened? Did something happen with Phil?” She asked, her voice laced with concern.

“c-can we not talk about him please” He said, his eyes closing as tears threatened to spill again

His mum sighed, not pressing any further “Okay love. What’s going on”

Dan looked out the window again, the surroundings a blur. Fading into the background of what he once knew. He sighed to himself before speaking again.  
“I’ve um.. I’ve decided to come home”

~~~

Phil crept out of the room a few minutes after he heard the door slam. The flat felt cold. Much colder than it had been the past month. 

The warmth of Dan's presence that consantly lingered seemed to disappear along with the warmth of his smile. Phil sighed as he peaked into the room that Dan once called his, the only thing left was the picture sitting on the bed.

Phil padded slowly over to the door, his fingers ghosting over the silver key sitting on the table, holding a note in place. Phil read the note over, feeling a tug at his heart and the feeling of regret wash over him.

He had to do it, shaking the regret out of his mind. He had to do it for Dan's sake and for his on. No matter how hard it was.

**Author's Note:**

> Yikes, this was probably awful but it'll get better :)


End file.
